Body is like a puzzle, and the pieces are not fitting

May 15, 2012 at 7:09 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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The title for Rochelle’s photo — “Just .. ugh” — says it all for me.

This happens maybe once a month or once every two months: I feel like my body is made up like a puzzle and for some reason, the pieces aren’t fitting right or they fell off, waiting to be put back in.

This usually happens when I visit my parents. I love my crazy, unusual, frustrating family. But whenever I drive back to where I live now, there is a frantic feeling. I have bags to get in the house, which is usually a mess, despite Batman’s attempt at cleaning. I have to throw everything out of my bag in a crazy-fast attempt to get ready for work. (Night shift, wee!)

The problem comes the following days, when my life is too busy to put said stuff away and it sits all over my apartment, increasing my general anxiety. And what about with this time, as I hauled a crap ton of stuff for the future yard sale? I need to sort through that and that takes up room. ANXIETY!

And I love the fact that I usually have an empty fridge, so I must rush off to the grocery store and get something unhealthy to eat for dinner. There goes my diet.

I get overwhelmed with my regular life and the projects I take on constantly despite being tired.

I don’t know why I feel this way. It isn’t productive for me: I don’t sleep well; I get depressed and don’t feel like doing anything before work; I bitch at Batman for nonsense things.

I went to therapy for a few sessions years ago (shocker!) for this same thing, but before I knew it, I was off to a new town. I haven’t looked for a new therapist … because anxiety gets the best of me and I am freaking lazy.  And I don’t want pills. I don’t like taking medicine if I can help it.

But I know I need to do something about this before I shut down.

Have you ever felt this way? What are some things you have done to cope?

I have tried slowing down and eliminating things out of my life. I really need to do the breathing techniques again, like my therapist showed me.

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When life chucks lemons at you

February 20, 2012 at 1:31 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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Photo by Flickr user Saxon

Sometimes I think life is crazy, but I then realize I am making life crazy. This is easy to justify, because for some strange reason and as much as I hate a crazy life, a calm life isn’t always in my schedule.

But there are times when life actually chucks lemons at you, bruising you, instead of tossing them toward you.

Bills pile up, money doesn’t come in. Expectations are required, skills aren’t ready. The Grim Reaper peeks around the corner and you have to stare death in the face.

It shatters your world, shakes your soul. And even if it’s minor, even if things will be OK in a few days, it still … indescribable.

In these times, all I want is my pajamas, the TV and  food. This time food isn’t necessarily required (Life has to be extreme for me to actually turn away from food in a crisis.) I prefer to sit here, moping — trying to not think. Holding back tears until I can’t anymore.

Usually this is NOT the time for me to think of the brighter sides of life. I usually HATE when people try to pull the optimism out of me. JUST LEAVE ME TO BE MY SELF-LOATHING SELF!

But it is a time to be grateful. It is a time to thank God for what I have: that I worked late Friday so I wasn’t in the path of a serious (possibly fatal) crash near my apartment; that my Dad is a fighter; that I have a job, a boyfriend, a place to live, food to eat. And a family that loves me, REALLY loves me.

For now, I am just going to pick up the lemons and save them for a warmer day.

The overwhelming season and unmet life goals

December 18, 2010 at 3:01 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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I know I have been M.I.A. for quite some time. I made Thanksgiving dinner and took pictures after my 5K. I even cooked something else that week and took pictures.

But that was almost 4 weeks ago.

I don’t know what happened. Seasonal depression because of lack of sunlight? Endorphin withdrawal because I haven’t exercised (not one ounce) in three weeks?

I want to apologize. I should have been blogging and engaging into life. Yet, I chose to barely push through the days, lucky if I got fully ready for work on time. (I was almost late quite a few times.)

But I am coming back and will fight off this urge to watch Netflix all day long, cuddled on the couch.

The holidays. I have fond memories of this time of year, yet as each new holiday season comes, that “glad tidings” feeling slips further and further away. I buy Christmas books to read; I make sure I listen to Christmas music. I look up Christmas recipes. But as each year comes, it feels less and less like the holidays.

I might just be saying that because I work Christmas Day. I work hard in my profession, usually giving up parties and events, even holidays. But so far, I didn’t have to give up Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year’s …. until this year. I have been working so hard that by the time it reaches my weekend, I don’t want to leave the house. It’s too cold out and the Netflix entices me. I don’t want to make phone calls, or blog, or even bake!

But I am determined to push through this holiday and winter season and try my best to accomplish some goals.

Speaking of goals, I have been avoiding my iPod and the library-rented Italian CDs that I have for 2 weeks. Why? Because my cousin Rosita from Italy will be visiting around Christmas and I am ashamed to say I lost my Italian touch. But I am avoiding because of a lost dream.

I spent 4.5 glorious months in Milan and I really felt wonderful. I wished I was more fluent and I wanted to live in Italy forever. I didn’t have a plan for it, but I had so many amazing dreams before and during Italy. To possibly live in New York City or another metropolitan area. To use my Italian. To travel and smooze with top-notch people and “live the life,” as they say.

Well, that all changed the day I came home from Milan in May 2007. And last night, as I listened to Tiziano Ferro for the first time in possibly a year, my dreams came rushing back to me. What happened to my goals? Why am I not trying to live them out? How did I get so content in living a mundane life?

There had been a few reasons: battling my IBS, I needed whatever job available because of high student loan debt.

But that song got me thinking about what I want for my life and that maybe these changes weren’t so bad, they are just … different. And maybe I need to start taking life by the junk more often than it pushing me down under its foot.

That song got me back onto this blog, and we will see where it can lead.

What do you think about seasonal depression? Does it hit you or your loved ones hard? Or have you ever forgotten about a dream and buried it deep inside of you, and then facing it head on once you stopped avoiding it?

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