Tags: bills, dreams, Europe, exploration, explore, hippie, hippie mom, if only, if onlys, life, questioning, saving, student loans
These posts had me questioning the many “if onlys” of my life.
If only I didn’t have student loans.
If only I didn’t spend so much money on my college education or planned better.
If only I didn’t have something — BILLS! — that keep me from exploring life.
If only I didn’t have student loans. Those freaking students loans are ruining my life.
What would I do without my student loans?
Backpack through Europe, LIVE in Europe for awhile, freelance while I travel cross-country, being a hippie mom, who carries her kids around on her body and makes all their food. Save every single penny I have, load all my crap at my parents’ house and EXPLORE.
A girl can dream, right?
But for now, I am embracing some things that gives me a sense of happiness despite being stuck to a 5-day-a-week job (that pays well, mind you.) I hike. I farm at my CSA. I make crafts. I lessen my load in life so I can enjoy the things I DO have, instead of accumulating more that I don’t need.
And this is how I feel about a lot of things: my future wedding, my future house, my future path. Lessen my load and enjoy what I have.
Tags: depression, life, sadness, unexpected
Sometimes I think life is crazy, but I then realize I am making life crazy. This is easy to justify, because for some strange reason and as much as I hate a crazy life, a calm life isn’t always in my schedule.
But there are times when life actually chucks lemons at you, bruising you, instead of tossing them toward you.
Bills pile up, money doesn’t come in. Expectations are required, skills aren’t ready. The Grim Reaper peeks around the corner and you have to stare death in the face.
It shatters your world, shakes your soul. And even if it’s minor, even if things will be OK in a few days, it still … indescribable.
In these times, all I want is my pajamas, the TV and food. This time food isn’t necessarily required (Life has to be extreme for me to actually turn away from food in a crisis.) I prefer to sit here, moping — trying to not think. Holding back tears until I can’t anymore.
Usually this is NOT the time for me to think of the brighter sides of life. I usually HATE when people try to pull the optimism out of me. JUST LEAVE ME TO BE MY SELF-LOATHING SELF!
But it is a time to be grateful. It is a time to thank God for what I have: that I worked late Friday so I wasn’t in the path of a serious (possibly fatal) crash near my apartment; that my Dad is a fighter; that I have a job, a boyfriend, a place to live, food to eat. And a family that loves me, REALLY loves me.
For now, I am just going to pick up the lemons and save them for a warmer day.